even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Randomize
