I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
