apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
