Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
