I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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