You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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