I hate your face
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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