Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
