Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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