i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
