there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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