walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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