Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Found your dick twin last night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
