When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
