so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
