dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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