Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
