Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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