i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
