If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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