my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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