on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
