i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
