so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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