make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
