I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
