He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
