I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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