Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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