why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
