On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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