I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
