So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
