as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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