we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
