Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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