Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Mom said you looked used
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
