My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
