Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
