FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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