apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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