I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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