how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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