Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
