I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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