Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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