i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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