I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
