4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize