It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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