I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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