I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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