My first STD was from a foam party
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
50% drunk capacity currently
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
