he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
