Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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