2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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