You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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