Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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