you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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