I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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