Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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