I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
